This is an apology. I am sorry. But I don’t feel negative towards you anymore. That post wasn’t about you. You know who you are. Now let’s get into bed and talk about my next film amid those hills.
I love you.
When you enjoy things and at the same time know that’s not what you think you are seeing. Or seeking.
Are all these stories based on experiences with a single individual? Or are they multiple experiences?
Woah. You just made this blog more relevant than it is. Now that you’ve put it that way; it would be pretty awesome if it were actually like that. But then it’s not. Some of it is fact, some of its is fiction but most of it is just me being high and tripping balls on pixies.
However, I’d like to say that all of what goes up here belongs to a singular non existent universe.
Thanks for reading.
Another one bit the dust yesterday and I didn’t know how to react. Here I was busy making plans and then someone decides to leave. Forever.
I think I am probably the worst person to have around grieving people. I am mortally scared of dying, but I think it’s pretty stupid to mourn someone’s departure. Seek revenge, make movies on them. But don’t fucking mourn them transcending to wherever they are headed to.
I might become a social outcast, my ideas maybe lame. But I still don’t find reason in mourning.
Yes we’ll miss her or him but so will they.
It’s like moving to a different country and assuming a new identity with an added memory wipe (in some cases).
At least I’d like to believe so, because not knowing something scares me and I dunno what lies post life. So yeah. But when I am gone, cheer up, drink up and fornicate. That’s the way I’d like it.
Today was one of those days, when I set out to do my thing. To be the person I have always wanted to be. Then it happened. That thing you wrote so long ago popped up and took me back with it.
Ah, those were simple times. Simple thoughts, innocent tangents of existence. How I wish, I was there. But then again, we both know you don’t want that. You are somebody else now. And so am I. Or so you think.
Even in this wilderness, I am pulled back to write this for it has to be written. I can’t possibly replace you, but I can move on and be a prick; that I’ll be.
Yes I do miss you. I wish you weren’t gone forever. But until the next time we fall in love again. Let’s give it a shot the next time we’re born.
I hate the silence.
See you on the other side.
While talking to Esh, my thoughts wandered off just to come back to realize something. We were somewhere in between how older women are awesome(r) and how protective one becomes of all womankind in the NCR. I think we also joked about how good sex is sometimes harder than flying a plane or driving a car…can’t remember the comparison.
Things have changed now, as I realized. Esh is still in college because he took sometime to convince his parents that he rather be a failed writer than a bored engineer. I have just stepped out of college and am on a sort of self imposed celibacy sabbatical. For reasons I do not understand fully. Yes I can confuse myself at times.
But the amount of maturity I see in Esh is sort of a reflection of my own bearing.
I used to be a facade wearing idiot who would let people in only with trust. It worked hunky dory until this one ‘friend’ came along challenging everything I wanted to believe. Well that’s another story; moral being I had turned into a non-trusting deviant basking in the lairs of my own frustration with people. This was me. But today, things have changed. One, I don’t have the time to give a space invading fuck about such people and two, people who have to, will get to you some day. Even if it’s to ask for that e-book. The universe does work that way.
These people may not think of these interactions in the same way, but then again life is what you make of it right?
The trust punch-kicking dude I mentioned before also had very strong objections to a lot of things I did or indulge in. Fair enough. But so does every single person on this planet. At the end of it you live by your own accord. And that realisation took time, failed relationships, horribly bad sex and experience.
When you dislike something; you dislike it. The people who surround you do not have to agree to the same. I learnt this the hard way. I unfortunately grew up among a bunch of pot smoking, acid tripping hippies I guess, cause I didn’t have issues with people until I made way to college where dissimilar mindsets decide to get high or wasted together. And mostly ends up in puke. The real stuff or the ethereal shit.
But I’ve made peace I guess. Freedom has its price and I paid it. It is a whole lot better to analyse your ways of functioning in retrospect than actually living it. I’ve grown up. I’ve made my mistakes. I have fucked up.
But that doesn’t stop me from growing, making mistakes or fucking up in the future.
And smiling back at Esh knowing that maybe we aren’t the awesome-st people ever but we made it through just fine. We have grown a lot , having overcome strong opposition while choosing what we wanted to do with life or while deciding whether T-Bone is better than Razor.
Wait. We still haven’t decided on that.
"I know I was born and I know that I’ll die
The in between is mine
I am mine”
Only if we all followed that. I have been on an Eddie Vedder/Peal Jam trip for the last couple of days, with the Into the Wild soundtrack playing on loop. And a lot of question that have been troubling me in the recent past came back.
And some of them were answered.